Robot Heart

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on academic insecurity.

cabell:whiskeyandnailpolish:

It seems like all the other women in their early 20’s in my cohort are constantly going on and on about how they’re not good enough to be here, how they feel misplaced, how everyone else is better than them, and it kind of bums me out because we’re the only demographic who seems to have this particular social media skill in our wheelhouse. 

It also makes me somewhat uncomfortable, because I feel like I’m alienating myself by not participating in this particular ritual - a la the body-berating scene in Mean Girls - but, frankly, I don’t feel awful about myself, and if I did, I’d keep it to myself. But every so often, I get this nagging feeling that I don’t feel this way because I’m doing something wrong, somewhere along the line.

Realistically, it’s probably that: a) this isn’t the field I plan on working in, so I’m not all that worked up about proving myself, and b) I was admitted early and heavily recruited to come here, so, you know, we’re starting at a base-line knowledge that they think I’m better than adequate. But what if I’m missing something? Is this how the Debbie Downer Facebook statuses start?

Wow, this is interesting.  I have NEVER heard anyone in my cohort say they thought they didn’t belong in our program although I’m sure plenty of people were thinking it—despite the constant repetition of how non-combative my program is by everyone, I think we all knew that showing that degree of weakness would not work out well.  (My program is highly ranked and also HUGE, and funding is a giant fucking mess.  That’s a pretty major gloss but I don’t really want to get into our internal politics other than to say they are pretty tortured.)

BUT, what I do ALWAYS hear people say, any time a social gathering breaks apart, is “omg I have so much work to do.”  This never fails, and it really doesn’t matter how much actual the work the person a) has on their plate or b) plans to actually do in the next 24 hours.  You could be going home to feed the cat and watch Roseanne, but if you don’t add your voice to the ritual bemoaning as the group disperses, you’ll be forever branded That Slacker Grad Student (or possibly the Stuck-Up Hot Shit, depending on how well you seem to be doing).

Graduate school culture is, in my opinion, dysfunctional in a lot of ways, and graduate school—at least here—is NOT designed to actually help anyone struggling with imposter syndrome, often informed by class, race, or gender inequality.  (Think that wouldn’t happen in sociology?  When I was a 1st or 2nd year grad student, I said something in at a seminar meeting and everyone basically ignored me.  An older male professor essentially restated my point a couple of minutes later, and everyone fell all over themselves commenting on his insight—I was fortunate in that a much older female professor, who brought her knitting to every meeting, looked up at that point and snapped, “CABELL JUST SAID THAT.”  Most of the time, you don’t get that.  And I’m a middle-class White woman whose parents are academics.)

Like most of our social structure, graduate education is set up to make things harder for people who are in any way marginalized.  So while I do have a pretty healthy self image, I can also sympathize with people who feel for whatever reason that they don’t belong here; one never knows all the underlying issues informing that sense.

My graduate program was extremely competitive, and because the field we were going into was also extremely competitive, I think that ratcheted up the one-upmanship to a gazillion. Every class was a 3-hour discussion, and every discussion was basically an opportunity for the 20 or so people in the room to demonstrate how much more intelligent and well-read they were than anyone else. It was exhausting, since that’s not how I operate at all. I constantly felt like I was under attack and like I wasn’t keeping up (or like I was just flat out stupid), and I never felt like I fit into the program (although I loved the research I was doing.) I found the very combative nature of the program to be extremely alienating. Of course, I never vocalized this to anyone in the program, because that would have been blood in the water, and the sharks WOULD have attacked.

The good news is, by the time I was halfway through my program, I realized this was a field I could never go into, because I simply wasn’t competitive enough to stay afloat.

I don’t know. I do know that most of the people I know who’ve been to grad school definitely struggled with the culture, even when they felt like they were keeping up. It’s just a ton of work, a lot of brain-stretching and bending, and I don’t think there’s a lot of concern paid to grad students’ mental or physical health. (That was the other thing: I lost a ton of weight and was sick through most of grad school because I wasn’t eating or sleeping properly, and was constantly on the move/stressed out.) I think any sort of factor that might make you “different” from the group (I was the youngest person in my program by a couple of years—I turned 21 two weeks before classes started—and my area of study was in a cinema most of the people in my program had never seen a film from) puts you on the outs. Structural marginalization, I’m sure, only exacerbates the pressures you experience.

  1. figsandmilk reblogged this from robot-heart
  2. bunniesarekewl reblogged this from robot-heart
  3. bchad reblogged this from robot-heart
  4. veritykindle85 reblogged this from robot-heart and added:
    You can love learning...research and discussion as an undergraduate, and it will not...
  5. robot-heart reblogged this from cabell and added:
    whiskeyandnailpolish:...My graduate program was extremely competitive, and because the...
  6. alierakieron reblogged this from cabell and added:
    In my department (same university, different discipline) it was definitely there, but was the elephant in the room. I...
  7. cabell reblogged this from whiskeyandnailpolish and added:
    Wow, this is interesting. I have NEVER heard anyone...thought they didn’t belong in our...
  8. a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a said: In my experience, it’s not just women & it comes & goes in waves. Like after some harsh critique on a hw or proposal.Don’t worry if you don’t feel that way (it’s great you dont), but if you ever do (which you might not & it’s OK) talk to someone.
  9. whiskeyandnailpolish posted this